2009

Well, Christmas has passed and now we are in the new year. Here's to hoping all is well! The holiday was pretty much like I thought it would be.. not very much money, few gifts, meh. Fawn and I didn't even exchange gifts. We haven't really done that in some years. I almost think it is an extention to she and I growing apart. But how close were we to begin with?

I'm so busy and engrossed in my own personal evolution that my relationships are suffering greatly. I don't just do, I'm all talk. It's full of shit, I'm full of shit. I don't know the exacts of what I signed up for before this current incarnation (yes, that is my belief~our lives are prewritten by ourselves~the results, are how close we come to succeeding at the end, how side-tracked we may get.) Like always I'm diverging, getting sidetracked with every goddamn thing! To quote Adrian Cooper, not verbatim, our subconsciousness is very suggestive, because it sees "ourselves" as one. We are all one, there is no seperation between each other, that is what society TELLS us. IE if I see that you are sick, coughing, sneezing, "oh my aching head" or "I feel so depressed" - I can become sick too. Your mind/your subconscious tells you what is real. And the real fucked up thing is when tv or religion or the government TELLS you that there is something wrong, then it MAKES IT WRONG. I fucking forget that fact. I forget that when I'm driving down the street and I see this person so very angry - I get angry too (road rage), or I hear the tv going (I don't normally watch tv, I finally broke myself of the habit)and the broadcaster is saying there is heavy poverty, no jobs, the economy is getting fucked, sometimes it affects me. There is so much to that, but I can't really go into it now. It's just 1 more way for us to bind OURSELVES! Think about it. Do you ever feel like you're easily influenced? Like you weren't in such a bad mood til you got to work and your boss started breathing down your neck or your best friend was just in a crappy ass mood and you felt yourself feeling like that? That is just a little of what Adrian Cooper meant. *addendum - I just read over what I wrote, I erased a bit of what I said because, I was rather angry, at myself, and I was preaching. Geesh! I need to let stuff go.

Yeah, so Christmas (what is it really and how much did it cost you this past year?) was kind of ruff. Fawn and I still want to move, but we haven't.

Oh, and I'm in turmoil over the family, all of that shit. My brother, who was 52, died the 26 of December. I am at peace with his death. I did not go to the funeral.
Okay, I read over the rest of this paragraph, and I erased it too. I need to calmly think about what is inside my head instead of just saying a bunch of wild random shit.

I need to relax. I need a vacation. I also need to accept, instead of fighting everything. I need to accept that I am not perfect, I don't need to be perfect and that if I am unhappy then I need to change the things about myself that I can.