Thursday, June 2, 2011


Well, let's see, currently I'm reading: Taming The Beast by Emily Maguire          
I'm listening to the Audio Book: Promise Not to Tell by Jennifer McMahon
Currently listening to Segments of Hearts of Space~some relaxing music!
I'll catch up with you guys next week.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Update! Update! Update!

Well, let's see, yesterday was J.'s birthday. She doesn't like having her pic taken, so out of respect, I'm not going to post pics of her anywhere. I have them, that's all that counts. And they're mine. We've had so many issues in our relationship that it's hard for her to see how I feel. Well, it's hard for me to be good to her. So many fucked up things. I'm not good in relationships, friendships, intimacies, etc. I can't even have a conversation with a stranger well, I have problems ending conversations-letting them go... A lot of psycho-babble could be added here. Her birthday was okay, I guess. She wouldn't tell me the truth, even when I ask. It's hard for her to be honest. We are so fucked up, uniquely. But, she got things she needed, we didn't fight, I hope she enjoyed herself.

I still have my job at the Assisted Living, I work 4 less hours, I had been working just 2 days-I was missing 12 hours and my paycheck was sucking. So, in an order to pay my bills, have food/gas, I had to pick up another day. I think I struggled with heavy burnout and a terrible feeling that the bosses where I work could care less, who or what I am. It got to me.

I have had to have my passwords on Facebook changed. I have an addictive/OCD problem for several years now. I've developed it over the years in an effort to make sure I "do it right". When I don't get things right, I put myself into a mental tizzy. Then, I'm seeing blood pulsating in my eyes, I can't breathe,  and all of a sudden I feel like my head is going to explode. Before the meltdown regarding work, I would literally have panic attacks-on my way to work, at work. I think it's the realization that I have people's lives in my hands and that I could kill them. Yes, it's geriatric nursing, most of them are so old, it's a wonder they're still walking, but I give them medicine to keep their hearts beating. And, then Boss-Lady One comes along and asks me, "where is the paperwork for Mrs. Applepie's ad-mission?" or some bullshit like that. I would never want to be in an assisted living or home-care situation. Mainly because, I've seen how people treat other people since being in the field. That's why I rat anyone out. I don't give a fuck. Would you want some mean-ass woman rolling you over to clean you up in the middle of the night because you are a paraplegic and you can't walk? I'll answer that. No. I would not want some one who hates their job, to come in and help me when I am at my most vulnerable. I know what I would ask of someone caring for me, that is what I expect from myself and my coworkers. I think that's another reason I melted into a spongy puddle regarding work... other people I work with don't take the job as serious like I do. Fuck.

What else? I just finished reading Still Missing by Chevy Stevens. I listened to the Audio version. I really liked the audio. The way the woman read it, it was dramatic in all of the right places. It's about a young successful realtor who is kidnapped by a psycho and it gets gritty and excruciating. I don't want to say anything else, but it impressed me.

I still like watching Doctor Who, Criminal Minds, Lie To Me, Torchwood (oh I miss it!), Nikita, Fringe +others. So, y'know. Even though I don't like tv, I still watch it. I finally saw "I Am Number Four"; that was a good movie. The book was good of course, but I really liked the eye candy. They selected very good actors, who portrayed the characters well. I've discovered musically, I really love the Duran Duran All You Need Is Now album-(it's not a rehash of the '80s, it's a reminder). I still love Adele's Rolling In the Deep, and I enjoy Civil Twilight's Letters From the Sky. Do you know what I mean when I say I feel like ripping things when I hear that song? Someone else may feel different, that's okay. But it's this welling up that I get from it. I do have an internal soundtrack that I'm collecting songs for in my head. I'm just waiting for the movie to start playing.

I'll write more, stay tuned, Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.

Friday, April 29, 2011


Today, I'm sending out an update. Well, I recently, as of 2 weeks ago, almost quit my job, outright, without warning, without a job backup. But my boss, administrator of the assisted living facility I work at, wanted me to take the weekend to think about it, and reconsider. Reluctantly, I did reconsider quitting, mainly due to I didn't have another job lined up. I was suffering from burnout and disappointment in my colleagues, etc. But, unless I found another job, or hit the lottery or made my writing a more complete part of my life, I had to keep it. So I did. Happily enough, I only work 2 days a week, x12 hours each day. That's not much take home money, but for right now, I can handle it. I'm being considered for another position, a treatments position, where all I would do would be bandages, breathing treatments, creams etc. I don't know how many days a week it would be or how many hours but I think it would give me a break from what I'm doing.

So that's what's been going on in that regard. Uh, I've settled in on a story (something I've always had a problem with writing is choosing 1 story to write and sticking with it.), so I've been working on it, I'm around 5k and I've not lost interest. I know that doesn't seem like much, but to me it is. I wander too much. I don't allow my self the time to put things in order, to jot it all down, I just want it done. Writing is a lesson for me. World building, faith making, people creating, what will happen next, I've never allowed myself to acknowledge their magic.

I'm still taking photos, for the other blog, it's just not everyday, and I post them whenever. I kinda knew I wouldn't keep up with it, grrr. What else? I'm still trying to get to know myself better. It's difficult. I think I used to know myself, but I believe I was so young and naive, what I thought I knew wasn't how I am.

I'm trying to learn to except religion better, following a path of a religion has always been difficult for me, because, I've always had a desire to say "fuck it" you can't make me follow you. But, I'm learning, believing in something, someone, is acceptable. Sharing yourself with someone, or a belief system is not Soul-sucking, what I learned when I was a kid. And now, as an adult, I accept that I have so much to relearn.

We are supporting a child from an impoverished country. I want us to be able to help him as long as we can. My next goal is to help support either a local animal shelter, sponsor a puppy or kitty or send money into the ASPCA. It hurts me to see all of these animals that die either by man or nature, and no one is there to care for them or about them.

More updates later.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Eyes Have It

Well, it was late Wednesday/early Thursday morning-ie 1a.m. and we were sitting around going through some new clothes, we went shopping, and well, you know how it is with seeing something about to happen... Like you think it could happen, but it doesn't... Well, it did. My friend was popping off these size sliders (the thingies on hangers that tell you the size of the shirt, pants etc) of the hangers. I was looking right at it, when low & behold the motherfucker shot off and slammed me right in the fucking EYE! Oh my god, that hurt so fucking bad! Jeebus! For a good 20-30 minutes, while I was jumping around, I could not see and it felt like a bloody knife sticking in my damn eye! My eyes were watering, my nose was running! I was a damn mess. Who would think that a piece of plastic the size of a damn Lego shot at a high velocity (he was forcing the sliders off w/scissors) right into your fucking eye could hurt so bloody bad. Shit! Luckily enough I had money left over from my tax refund and I was able to be seen at J's eye dr. the next day. Diagnosis: corneal abrasion w/traumatic iritis. Ie: I got poked in the damn eye, it's scratched and hurts like a mother. Yep, that's about right!

I paid around $150.00 to be seen twice by the dr. and I got some antibiotic goop and I can see a little better than before and it does not hurt nearly as bad. I'm good. V. feels like shit, but like I told him, shit happens, that's what an accident is.

So, I'm good. AND I got written out of work for the weekend, fuck, I can't see y'know. My job wasn't happy about it, but screw 'em!

Well, I'll SEE you all later. Going to go forage for food. Maybe in my next post I won't curse so much.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

March 2011

I wish I could say I've beaten the procrastinating beast, but I would be lying, it's beating me... daily! Argh! Hmmm, well, I am writing a lot more poetry. In fact, I'm about to post some. Surprisingly enough, I have been writing a lot more poetry over the last 2 years. I've never been a poetry fan, reading/writing. But it's almost like with the writer's dam that I have (some people have a writer's block, mine's grown into a damn dam, dammit!), I can only tap into short bursts of creative flow, then when I feel IT leave me, I end the poetry. Weird, huh?

Well, currently, I'm still employed, I still, would like to merge into another career, but I don't feel like I've learned everything in my current venture. I'm still obsessed w/carousels, under-the-big-top, strange worlds... There's some inner-world that I can almost see, the strange encapsulating bubble around it, is hazed over, but I can't quite grasp it.

Anyway, one of my residents, a lady I had know for 6 years passed away, why do we say that? she died! It was terrible. She was very sick and her daughter, POA, decided her mom wouldn't want any morphine or Ativan to ease her passing. My resident was 92, her daughter, like 65, but it seemed to me and other staff that she was so distant with her mom. OMG, it seemed my resident suffered. For a week she couldn't eat, or drink. Until last Monday morning, I think her heart failed her and she was able to die. But, I swear, I was so glad I was not there. I had totally broken down the day before, because of some things, (they seemed heartless to me, but to the daughter perhaps she was just being sensible) that were said, all of it, and my feelings of helplessness reminded me of my mother. It's been months since she died, but I felt beaten up. I know I didn't do all I could for my mom. I can say I am relieved that I was there to explain things to my family. They had now idea what my mom's dementia meant. They had no idea of much of anything. Yeah, so I flaked at work, I talked to one of my unit managers, while crying, very unprofessional. You just can't be that way in geriatric nursing. But I was, and that's okay.

An old friend of ours came to see us recently. Just a few years ago, we were all messing about, and now she's a mom and a teacher. I think she's a good teacher & a good mom. It was a good weekend. You know, life is funny. Funny haha and funny stupid. We are all fucked up. Some one years ago, luckily enough broke the Fucked-Up Measuring stick. That's a good thing. Or we would ALL be doomed.

Laters world