Thursday, May 26, 2011

Update! Update! Update!

Well, let's see, yesterday was J.'s birthday. She doesn't like having her pic taken, so out of respect, I'm not going to post pics of her anywhere. I have them, that's all that counts. And they're mine. We've had so many issues in our relationship that it's hard for her to see how I feel. Well, it's hard for me to be good to her. So many fucked up things. I'm not good in relationships, friendships, intimacies, etc. I can't even have a conversation with a stranger well, I have problems ending conversations-letting them go... A lot of psycho-babble could be added here. Her birthday was okay, I guess. She wouldn't tell me the truth, even when I ask. It's hard for her to be honest. We are so fucked up, uniquely. But, she got things she needed, we didn't fight, I hope she enjoyed herself.

I still have my job at the Assisted Living, I work 4 less hours, I had been working just 2 days-I was missing 12 hours and my paycheck was sucking. So, in an order to pay my bills, have food/gas, I had to pick up another day. I think I struggled with heavy burnout and a terrible feeling that the bosses where I work could care less, who or what I am. It got to me.

I have had to have my passwords on Facebook changed. I have an addictive/OCD problem for several years now. I've developed it over the years in an effort to make sure I "do it right". When I don't get things right, I put myself into a mental tizzy. Then, I'm seeing blood pulsating in my eyes, I can't breathe,  and all of a sudden I feel like my head is going to explode. Before the meltdown regarding work, I would literally have panic attacks-on my way to work, at work. I think it's the realization that I have people's lives in my hands and that I could kill them. Yes, it's geriatric nursing, most of them are so old, it's a wonder they're still walking, but I give them medicine to keep their hearts beating. And, then Boss-Lady One comes along and asks me, "where is the paperwork for Mrs. Applepie's ad-mission?" or some bullshit like that. I would never want to be in an assisted living or home-care situation. Mainly because, I've seen how people treat other people since being in the field. That's why I rat anyone out. I don't give a fuck. Would you want some mean-ass woman rolling you over to clean you up in the middle of the night because you are a paraplegic and you can't walk? I'll answer that. No. I would not want some one who hates their job, to come in and help me when I am at my most vulnerable. I know what I would ask of someone caring for me, that is what I expect from myself and my coworkers. I think that's another reason I melted into a spongy puddle regarding work... other people I work with don't take the job as serious like I do. Fuck.

What else? I just finished reading Still Missing by Chevy Stevens. I listened to the Audio version. I really liked the audio. The way the woman read it, it was dramatic in all of the right places. It's about a young successful realtor who is kidnapped by a psycho and it gets gritty and excruciating. I don't want to say anything else, but it impressed me.

I still like watching Doctor Who, Criminal Minds, Lie To Me, Torchwood (oh I miss it!), Nikita, Fringe +others. So, y'know. Even though I don't like tv, I still watch it. I finally saw "I Am Number Four"; that was a good movie. The book was good of course, but I really liked the eye candy. They selected very good actors, who portrayed the characters well. I've discovered musically, I really love the Duran Duran All You Need Is Now album-(it's not a rehash of the '80s, it's a reminder). I still love Adele's Rolling In the Deep, and I enjoy Civil Twilight's Letters From the Sky. Do you know what I mean when I say I feel like ripping things when I hear that song? Someone else may feel different, that's okay. But it's this welling up that I get from it. I do have an internal soundtrack that I'm collecting songs for in my head. I'm just waiting for the movie to start playing.

I'll write more, stay tuned, Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.

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