Well, let's see, yesterday was J.'s birthday. She doesn't like having her pic taken, so out of respect, I'm not going to post pics of her anywhere. I have them, that's all that counts. And they're mine. We've had so many issues in our relationship that it's hard for her to see how I feel. Well, it's hard for me to be good to her. So many fucked up things. I'm not good in relationships, friendships, intimacies, etc. I can't even have a conversation with a stranger well, I have problems ending conversations-letting them go... A lot of psycho-babble could be added here. Her birthday was okay, I guess. She wouldn't tell me the truth, even when I ask. It's hard for her to be honest. We are so fucked up, uniquely. But, she got things she needed, we didn't fight, I hope she enjoyed herself.
I still have my job at the Assisted Living, I work 4 less hours, I had been working just 2 days-I was missing 12 hours and my paycheck was sucking. So, in an order to pay my bills, have food/gas, I had to pick up another day. I think I struggled with heavy burnout and a terrible feeling that the bosses where I work could care less, who or what I am. It got to me.
I have had to have my passwords on Facebook changed. I have an addictive/OCD problem for several years now. I've developed it over the years in an effort to make sure I "do it right". When I don't get things right, I put myself into a mental tizzy. Then, I'm seeing blood pulsating in my eyes, I can't breathe, and all of a sudden I feel like my head is going to explode. Before the meltdown regarding work, I would literally have panic attacks-on my way to work, at work. I think it's the realization that I have people's lives in my hands and that I could kill them. Yes, it's geriatric nursing, most of them are so old, it's a wonder they're still walking, but I give them medicine to keep their hearts beating. And, then Boss-Lady One comes along and asks me, "where is the paperwork for Mrs. Applepie's ad-mission?" or some bullshit like that. I would never want to be in an assisted living or home-care situation. Mainly because, I've seen how people treat other people since being in the field. That's why I rat anyone out. I don't give a fuck. Would you want some mean-ass woman rolling you over to clean you up in the middle of the night because you are a paraplegic and you can't walk? I'll answer that. No. I would not want some one who hates their job, to come in and help me when I am at my most vulnerable. I know what I would ask of someone caring for me, that is what I expect from myself and my coworkers. I think that's another reason I melted into a spongy puddle regarding work... other people I work with don't take the job as serious like I do. Fuck.
What else? I just finished reading Still Missing by Chevy Stevens. I listened to the Audio version. I really liked the audio. The way the woman read it, it was dramatic in all of the right places. It's about a young successful realtor who is kidnapped by a psycho and it gets gritty and excruciating. I don't want to say anything else, but it impressed me.
I still like watching Doctor Who, Criminal Minds, Lie To Me, Torchwood (oh I miss it!), Nikita, Fringe +others. So, y'know. Even though I don't like tv, I still watch it. I finally saw "I Am Number Four"; that was a good movie. The book was good of course, but I really liked the eye candy. They selected very good actors, who portrayed the characters well. I've discovered musically, I really love the Duran Duran All You Need Is Now album-(it's not a rehash of the '80s, it's a reminder). I still love Adele's Rolling In the Deep, and I enjoy Civil Twilight's Letters From the Sky. Do you know what I mean when I say I feel like ripping things when I hear that song? Someone else may feel different, that's okay. But it's this welling up that I get from it. I do have an internal soundtrack that I'm collecting songs for in my head. I'm just waiting for the movie to start playing.
I'll write more, stay tuned, Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.