Well, it is the weekend, and I am 3 hours into my "internet time". I haven't really gotten much stuff done on here tonight. I'm in an odd mood so I can't really pick just 1 thing I wanna surf about. I must appear very boring, eh? Yeah, I think I'm boring. It is annoying to be "all over the place" at times, but I know it could be different. I'm not sure what course my higher self would want me to be on with my thoughts, feelings, etc all over the place. How am I supposed to learn in this life if my mind is all over the place and I can't fucking think? But I guess for me, this life / incarnation is for me to learn how to learn and to be of strong will to change. I don't have a very strong will for change. In fact, pathetically enough, I think I fight change very intensly, I'm afraid I'll lose out or some shit.
I've been toiling over my personality a lot lately. I feel like I don't know myself very well... I come from a childhood where it is best to just BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! If you don't have the 9:-5: you're worthless, and who needs college, give me tv any day. This was the ebb and flow of the '80s. But you know, this is not exactly what I was wanting say originally. I need to know myself, personality, likes, dislikes, obsessions, good things, bad things, etc. Then I can work towards caring more for and of myself, not in an egocentrical way, but in a self respect way. These things will lead me to caring more for others, and getting to know them. It is all about acceptance. Do you have a problem with acceptance?
There are things in my head that are fucked up. I don't typically know what I'm into. For instance I think I find b/w photographs of people very beautiful, but if they are in dominated poses they're even more "attractive," I think. I'll see if I can find a photo to do the trick.
Yeah, so anyway, I want to get to know myself better, it's not that easy for me. My mind is a jumbled mess, you can see that through this post and others, I'm sure. But, my thoughts, my head is crowded and sometimes I just don't want to think, feel or be. Some people could call that depression I know, but I think when I feel depressed it is a result of my mindscape~it's fucking confusing. Well, I'm going on a hunt for the photo. Just so I can dare myself to do something different. It is better than doing nothing at all. I have to fight and keep fighting myself or my ego/flesh will win. I swear to god I'm not dangerous.
Didn't I mention somewhere around here about following the rabbit down the hole? Hey, take your time, we're all going to be late.
Crap! After an hour/breaking to eat of course,/I searched for a "proper" b&w photo of something interesting... 1920s erotica but I couldn't find anything that I really liked. So I'll explore more of my interests and try to pin down a pic.
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