This week

Well, it's this first day of the work week for me. Grr... I just woke up and I think I'd rather go back and sleep for a couple of hours. I'm tired. Or depressed. I can't tell which. We've got things to do, as usual.
I talked to my father on the phone Sunday evening. Have you ever noticed that there could typically be a person(s) in your life who treats you less than what you are? Funny, huh? Well, that is my father from when I was a rather young age. He would treat me as a none person in my childhood when my personality was developing-thusly I think my ego suffered heavily. That is why, I think, I overcompensate with a big ego. Not that I flaunt a big ego, in fact I'm the opposite. It's all internal for me. If I have an issue with something my ego tells me everything is fine, I've done nothing wrong, there are no problems. And that my friend, is what gets me in trouble with my loved ones. For instance, Freak will just want to talk about something personal and perhaps I think I'm listening but I'm not and that hurts him, but my ego tells me all is fine and it is his problem. These are lies I've perpetrated ALL of these years. My ego is intense and must be destroyed in order for me to enter into the next realm of existence. Oh wait, did I just say that? So anyway, I was talking to my dad and he seemed to realize that he was talking to his youngest daughter and literally tried to get me off the phone with him. It was weird. There was more to it but my brain has already processed it. Maybe I'll think more on it later.
Yeah, so he invited me to Thanksgiving dinner. I did what I typically do (most of my family, immediate or no, I've not seen in about 18 years), I told him if I could I would. Blah, blah, blah. I don't know what I want from them, if anything, anyway. We're all moving on anyway. So I'm not going to go. I wouldn't want to leave my actual family for my blood relatives anyway. Fawn and the Peanut Gallery are my family. They have been with me physically/spiritually/when they didn't have to be for 18 years. They've (esp Fawn) have reminded me that my purpose for being here is to learn, grow, evolve and to not let the emptiness win.
Emptiness is that state of mind that most people have 24/7=the place they are when they watch t.v., when they "go to church", when they have sex, when they exist. I grew up in that state, I hoped there was something different, but with my family there was no other state, I met Fawn and realized I had to be in another state. I had to let go of the physical, I had to wake up. But sometimes I forget and my flesh wins out and my ego takes over. That cycle sucks. There is a hell of a lot more to it than that, but this is what you get for now.
Well, I must go. Once again I'm sure this post is all over the place. But I don't think any one reads it, but Fawn and Freak. And that's ok.
Have a good week, lovelies